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The narrating switches are difficult, I agree. I’m working on a better system for it. I’ve plotted out the rest of the story, and it definitely necessitates switching amongst viewpoints, so I hope to improve the flow with some beta readers. Anyway, this chapter is Matty until the very last break.
So: I’m not having the best time mentally/emotionally (read: I’ve been lying in bed for 32 hours sleeping and crying and staring at the wall), so I may be taking a break from updating or at least writing much more slowly. I know how much it sucks to hear that as a reader, so I’m sorry.
— Leon xx
——————————————————————————————–
“You want me to ask what you actually do for a living.”
Um.
“Um.”
And then Julian chuckled. He CHUCKLED.
What the fuck?
“Why don’t you come over tonight and we’ll talk then?”
I stammered out a yes because what the fuck else was I supposed to do and he said bye but not I love you and he hung up and I sat down and stared at my phone.
So.
What the fuck?
******
I was still staring at my phone when there was a knock at the door to my office (a converted attic space of the house) and Malik came in.
“Hey, Matty. Phoebe wanted me to ask if you want lunch.”
“No, I’m fine, Malik. Thank you.” I turned back to the packet on my desk, knowing full well that he would still be standing there when I looked up. And he was. “Is there something else?”
He fidgeted in the doorway, and I sighed and gestured to the chair across my desk. His frame couldn’t fit between the arms, but he quickly dragged over a box filled with miscellaneous books and binders and sat on it. He must’ve been used to finding alternative seating.
“So, Phoebe sent you up here to check on me?” I tried not to sound as irritated as I was, but by the look on his face I didn’t succeed. “It’s okay, Malik.”
His eyes were studying me, which irritated me further until then he asked, “Is there anything I can do?”
I softened a little which led to me completely crumbling and it all came spilling out. “I told my boyfriend that I worked in accounting because I didn’t know we were going to end up in a real relationship and this job is kinda a personal thing to me, you know? But I was trying to work up to telling him last night and then I called him and he was like ‘Oh you want to tell me what you really do for a living’ and then he said ‘we’ll talk about it tonight’ and then he hung up and now I’m just sitting around waiting and freaking out.”
Malik could’ve laughed at me or judged me or made an excuse and left, all of which would’ve been perfectly justifiable, but he did none.
“Did he sound mad?”
I shook my head. “He laughed,” I said, rubbing my temples. “Which is kind of funny in itself if you think about it.” At that, Malik did laugh, and I cracked a genuine smile for the first time since the phone call.
“Sounds like he’s known for a while,” he said thoughtfully. “Did you hint at it or something?”
“That’s the weird thing,” I exclaimed. “Well, a lot of it is weird, but it’s especially weird to me that he just sixth-sensed it. Which does kinda make it seem like he’s already thought about it. Which is fucking confusing as hell.” I glanced up at Malik. “Sorry.”
He shrugged. “Cursing is probably a lot less of a boundary violation than the conversation we’re having right now.” I could tell that he was kidding around, but I still winced.
“You’re right–“
“Nah, Matty, I’m happy about it, I am. I used to…” he trailed off before clearing his throat and trying again. “I used to be that person, that sorta sounding board, for my sisters. And I liked it. It made me feel, I dunno, useful, I guess. Like I was doing something worth doing.”
I nodded. I certainly got where the kid was coming from; I’d dedicated my whole life to something that made me feel like I was actually worth a shit.
“Well, you’ll be the first person I come to when I’m dumped,” I joked miserably. He gave me a look.
“Don’t be stupid, man.”
“Now who’s crossing boundaries?”
******
It was around four o’clock when I remembered that Julian had a dog.
Motherfucking Jesus fuck.
This was not going to go well.
******
NEW MESSAGE (1): Julian
> OPEN
Julian: Come over around 9?
You: Don’t you have work ’til 12?
Julian: I traded shifts for tonight.
WhatthefuckdoesthatmeanisthatgoodorbadIamgoingtodie.
You: 9 sounds good then.
Please let that dog maul and kill me.
******
Honestly, I was terrified of what Julian is going to say, but, mostly, I just felt so fucking guilty. Malik was right; it really did seem like Julian had already known that I’d been lying. If he had been lying to me like that, I would’ve been… well, I would’ve internalized the shit out of it and blamed myself for it. And I really, really hoped that wasn’t what Julian had been ataşehir escort doing.
Because he did that a lot.
Because he cared about people. And boy did he care about me. He actually, truly cared about me, and, worse than that, I actually, truly trusted that he did.
And this whole time he’d known that he couldn’t trust me.
Cocksuckinggoddamnfuckinshit.
******
At six-thirty, Malik returned with dinner. When I said I wasn’t hungry, he punched my arm (lightly, I assume, for if he’d used his full force I think my heart would’ve stopped) and told me to be grateful that Phoebe cared enough about my ‘mopey ass’ to make me a meal.
I frickin’ loved this kid.
******
“Hey, sweetheart.”
I looked up from my computer. After eating something, I’d actually been able to focus (alright, my mopey ass was hungry), but I happened to be taking a break when I heard Phoebe’s soft voice coming from the doorway. I quickly shut the laptop so that she couldn’t see how far back into Julian’s Facebook photos I’d gone (he looked so cute in that gold chain and faux-Burberry cap).
“Hi, Phoebs. Thank you for the food.” She crossed the room and sat on my side of the desk, her feet next to my legs on the chair, as she always did. “You know I love you, right?”
She smiled and poked me with her foot. “Yes, stupid, I do.” I smiled back. “Did Malik give you any sage advice?”
I laughed. “Yes, that kid’s golden.”
“Yeah, I was getting worked over by the twins–” not actual twins, just two raven-haired girls who had become inseparable– “because they wanted to go out tonight, and you know how I am with them, they’re so sweet–” they really weren’t– “and then Malik comes up and starts laying into them for taking advantage of me, calling them disrespectful, telling them ‘oh you can roll your eyes at me but don’t you roll them at the woman who’s giving you a home.'” I guffawed and she blushed. “I mean, it was stuff that we would never say to them, obviously, but they really did feel guilty, and Malik just gave them hugs and told them to scram. After that, I figured he was the right one to send up here.”
“Yeah, he gave me a similar lecture when I said I wasn’t hungry,” I said with a laugh. “Maybe he’s crushing on you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Please. He and Simone are already on track to needing adult supervision. She noticed my frown. “What?”
“Julian’s mom is named Simone,” I sighed. I dragged a hand over my face. “Ugh, Phoebe, I really fucked up.”
She listened patiently as I explained, nodding and patting my hand at the appropriate places. When I finished, she just huffed.
“What?”
“I can’t believe he has a dog.”
Well, thank God for Malik.
******
I said my goodbyes at eight, Phoebe kissing my cheek, Izzy telling me to get my shit together, and Malik surprising me with a hug, and I headed home to change. I looked in the full-length mirror in my room and sighed. What do you wear to a break-up?
Wait, what?
The thought hit me like a sixteen-wheeler. Is that what this was?
I threw on a sweatshirt and some slippers and tried to stop crying enough that I could see out of my windshield.
******
I sat in my car, staring at the clock on my radio (not that the radio itself still worked– this car cost, like, 4500 dollars). 8:54. I shouldn’t be early, right? It was better than being late, though. Maybe I should be early, to show that I cared or something.
Yeah. No games. Just show up when you show up; get there when you get there.
I closed the door gently and slipped into the building, as though being quiet was somehow going to ease his anger. Old habits die hard, I guess. He was waiting for me in the lobby, and he took one look at my sniffly nose and puffy eyes and pulled me into a hug.
“Baby, don’t cry,” he soothed, stroking my hair. I was too stunned to hug him back, and he just smiled at me and led me to the elevator. There, I clung to his body and desperately absorbed his warmth. I was hard-pressed let go of him when we reached his door.
Oh, right. The dog.
“Okay, Ruby, I know, it’s very exciting,” he chuckled, holding the animal down. It was fucking jumping all over the place, and I was trying not to hyperventilate. Okay, Matty. You’ve been preparing for this.
I knelt down so it would stop clawing at my chest, and that seemed to work alright. I mean, my face still proceeded to be coated with slobber, and there was a nose sniffing at my crotch, but the barks subsided and I was actually a lot less scared.
“Hi, Ruby,” I mumbled, reaching out to pet the dog’s head. For some reason, it kept moving so that I couldn’t reach and then seeming frustrated that I wouldn’t pet it. I looked up at Julian helplessly. “Why’s it doing that?” I asked.
He sighed and squatted down beside me. The dog quickly forgot about me and turned to its owner. “She is doing that because she’s a dog, and she’s silly.” He scratched avcılar escort behind Ruby’s ear and I grumbled.
“She’s not doing with you,” I muttered, and he smiled at me. He moved over to the couch and patted the seat beside him, and Ruby got there first. Hmmph. I took the seat on his other side.
“Juli…” I started, and then I bit my lip. Did I really want to question this? I decided on “I don’t understand.”
He brushed my hair behind my ear, and I leaned into his touch. He looked gorgeous, as always. The soft brown of his shirt brought out the little flecks of color in his dark eyes, and he had his hair down so that some strands kept falling in front of his face. I wondered if he left it down so I could play with his hair tie.
“I don’t know why you didn’t tell me, Matty, but I trust you.”
And the dam was fucking destroyed. I burst into tears, sobs wracking my body as I pressed kisses all over his face. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” I whispered, ignoring the small noises the dog had started making. “I love you.” I couldn’t stop repeating it.
“Mon dieu, loulou, I love you too.” He chuckled softly, and he managed to interrupt my flurry of kisses to press one to my lips.
“Julian, I trust you too, I promise, I mean, it’s scary to say, but I really, really do,” I insisted. He smiled at me, and I sobbed even louder.
Suddenly there was a cold, wet nose prodding at my face and a snout still emitting little whines. Ruby was looking at me with soulful eyes, and then she gave my cheek a small lick.
“Okay,” I said, wiping my face with my hand, “I can see why people like that.” Ruby, seemingly appeased by my admission, trotted off to her dog bed across the room. I examined my boyfriend’s expression. “Juli, why aren’t you mad? And why didn’t you tell me that you knew? And how do you even know?”
He grinned. “You really need to learn think less than a hundred things at once, babe.”
Not likely.
“Well, first of all, I knew because you are a terrible liar.” I huffed in offense, and he put on an innocent face and a high-pitched tone. “‘Oh hi, I’m Matty the accountant. I work at an accounting firm where I do accounting with other accountants,'” he mocked. “‘Bye now Juli, I have to go do some accounting for my accounting clients at the accounting office because I’m an accountant.'”
I slapped his arm, laughing. “Alright, number one, I don’t know why you think I share a voice with Ariana Grande. And… am I really that bad at lying?”
His deep laugh echoed. “Yeah, but I like it. Makes it easier to call you on your bullshit.”
“But you didn’t call me on this bullshit.”
Julian sighed and leaned back against the armrest, pulling me down with him. I wiggled so that I could prop my chin up on his chest and look at him.
“I’ve put my heart in the hands of people who just turned around walked away.” I observed him closely as he spoke. “Do you remember that first night in my apartment?”
I nodded.
“Do you remember when I asked about your knuckles?” he asked, lightly touching the withered skin. I instinctively looked down at my hand, flexing my fingers to see the scars move.
He rested his hand on top of my left one, tracing my knuckles.
“What’d you do here?”
The guy had been so nice to me; I figured I should be honest with him.
“I got mad.”
I kinda felt like he’d get it.
Julian’s fingers weaved into mine, and I laid my cheek down on his warm skin. “Yeah, I remember.”
But he pulled away with a look of fear in his eyes… I knew that fear, I worked every day with kids who held that fear in their eyes. I held that fear in my eyes.
“You just gave me this look, like you knew what I was thinking, and you did.”
“I didn’t hurt anyone,” I said gently, reaching back out to take Julian’s hand. He hesitantly obliged.
“And I almost forgot about it,” he said, making circles with his thumb, “until that night at the bar. When I yelled.”
The eruption seemed to surprise even Julian himself. I, for my part, recoiled from the bar in fear. He let out a strangled laugh.
“What, now you think I’m gonna hit you?”
He was quiet, and, when I glanced up, I saw that he was crying.
“Hey, Juli, no,” I murmured, shifting up so that I could face him. I wiped the wet streaks from his cheek as he regained his voice.
“It was instinctive. You responded like that because you’ve been hurt before. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I can see it in you the way you saw it in me.” His eyes were closed, but I couldn’t tear mine from him if I tried. “So when you needed time to tell me about your job, so I gave you time. I don’t know your reasons, but I trust you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think I had an adequate response within me.”How did you know what I was thinking last night?”
While my voice was shaky, Julian’s was sure. “Because you put your heart in my hands.”
******
So he alanya escort listened while I explained Silver River and its backstory, the kind of kids we take and how we help them, my duties, some of which were accounting-adjacent, thank you very much, and some of which were more interesting. I talked about the SR kids I’d gotten close to that had left, the kids I’d gotten close to that had stayed, the kids that had died.
“So, when we were in the car that first night, and you said that you were drinking to forget someone who’d died…”
I winced. “Yeah. That was me using a homeless gay kid’s death to try to catch your interest.”
“Babe, you could barely walk.”
I ran my fingers along the edges of his hair elastic. “I didn’t even know him, really. He was closer to Phoebe.”
Julian cocked his head in surprise. “Phoebe works with you? Christ, that girl hates me from all angles.”
“Julian, stop,” I scolded. “She’s happy about us. She said I’d finally found someone to keep me “busy, happy, and sober,” I laughed. Julian rolled his eyes.
“That doesn’t mean she likes me.” His voice was sulky, but I could tell there was some real worry in there. I cupped his cheek and kissed his nose.
“Why don’t you come to work someday this week? You can meet Phoebe without the pressure of a one-on-one interaction.” Julian shot me an incredulous look.
“Yes, just the pressure of winning over 20 teenagers.”
“24,” I corrected, “and they’ll be absolutely fascinated by any guy that’s on my arm.”
An eyebrow raised. “Oh, so I’m arm candy now?”
“What do you mean ‘now?'”
“Shut it. I’ll come. And I’ll be the perfect gentleman and role model and Phoebe will have no choice but to adore me.”
I rolled my eyes. “This night was supposed to be about you telling me things, babe.”
“Matty, I love you, but you really need to let go of this obsession with planning everything.” He planted a kiss on my forehead. “Let things happen the way they happen, alright?”
I sighed. “Fine. But you’re gonna have to help me with it.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
******
Julian and I went to bed and fooled around a bit before his giant horse-dog joined us in bed. I was getting more and more curious as to what he was saying in French as he slept. He’d always mumbled in his sleep, but I’d never heard anything but English until recently. I took Spanish in middle school, and I didn’t get the chance to practice my conjugations when I was living off of what I could find in Dumpsters, so I recognized none of the words but one. “Amour.”
******
I watched with mild amusement as Julian tore through his wardrobe. Occasionally he’d mutter to himself or hold something up for my approval before throwing it back regardless of my reaction. Ruby was greatly concerned by the chaos and kept running in and out of the room, looking for some sort of reassurance that her owner was not completely crazy. That, I could not offer her.
“Julian,” I groaned, for the hundredth time, “it doesn’t matter what you wear. All your clothes look the same anyway.” He looked at me over his shoulder, aghast.
“That is so not true!”
I smirked. He sounded like such a whiny kid. He growled and turned back to his closet as I unfolded my legs and stretched them out. I hopped down from my perch on the bed. He was oblivious to my approach, mumbling and grumbling at his identical pairs of jeans when I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind.
“Juli,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his bare spine. “Relax.” His body remained rigid for only a moment before giving into my embrace, his hands finding mine over his stomach and his head lolling back onto my shoulder.
“It’s hard to look cool enough for teenagers but nice enough for your lesbian surrogate mother.”
I snorted. “Yeah, be sure to say stuff like that in front of Phoebe. She’ll love it.” He growled and pushed off of me.
Apparently we were not ready to joke about this.
I tugged him back to me. “Baby.” I kissed his neck.
He grunted but otherwise ignored my affections. Undeterred, I tightened my arms around him and nipped at his exposed collarbone. He remained stiff and silent, but his legs gave a little bit. I smiled to myself and rubbed my hands down his front as I licked and nipped at the nape of his neck. His legs gave a little more. I slipped my hands down his basketball shorts to discover that he was wearing no underwear. I’d tease him about it at some point, but, for now, I just kneaded the muscles in his thighs. His head turned, his mouth seeking mine, and I obliged him that. He pulled away with noticeable effort.
“Matty, we gotta get going…”
“You’re the one who’s been taking half an hour to pick out socks,” I replied, and I gave his thigh a tight squeeze. He laid his head against my shoulder and kissed my neck gently.
“You got me there,” he whispered, and I nuzzled his head with a smile on my face.
He moaned quietly as one hand brushed against his cock and the other massaged his ass. I made no attempts to tease or play with him; I simply wrapped my hand around him and began to pump, the movement punctuated with a bite to his neck. His knees wobbled as he bucked forward, his ass rubbing my hardening dick on his down-thrusts.
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